But What About the Eagles?
by cheekybeak
Summary: The answers to all your burning Middle Earth questions.
1. Aragorn and Legolas

**Authors Note:** Some random chapters of LOTRs parody.

Note: I play hard and fast with Tolkien and frequently alter it to fit the humour! Some chapters will be further from Tolkien's reality than others.

Its all on purpose...and hopefully funny!

**Warning. **

we start with these guys because as a Legolas lover I have some major Book Aragorn issues...

Strongly worded Aragorn disapproval follows. Aragorn lovers read at your own risk!

Aragorn and Legolas.

These guys are best buds right? ...right?!

Well Movie Aragorn and Legolas certainly are. Man their chemistry is to die for.

All those suggestive glances and deep and meaningful chats.

I mean ... the necklace scene at Helms Deep... OMG guys, get a room! It was obvious to all of us you just wanted to rip each other's clothes off. No wonder Eowyn ran away so upset. How could she ever compete with the gorgeousness that was Legolas?

And as for the come hither looks at Aragorn's wedding, was Elrond completely blind? He was standing right there! How could he miss that before he handed his daughter over? It's not like he wasn't already looking for any excuse to stop the wedding.

If these guys weren't carrying on a secret affair in the back rooms of Minus Tirith then I don't know who was.

Book Aragorn and Legolas though, whole other story.

Book Aragorn, I have some issues with... He treated my Legolas very badly.

What do I hear you say? Not Aragorn. Not Aragorn the hero.

Well yes. It's about time someone pointed out his Legolas bullying.

It's not ok Aragorn, It's just not ok to pick on poor defenceless elves.

It all began at the beginning when he trash talked Legolas at the council of Elrond. In front of everybody no less. How rude.

Man Aragorn should just count himself lucky Thranduil wasn't there. Can you imagine it!

" What do you mean we failed in our trust? You couldn't even be bothered to tell us who the prisoner was. Let alone the fact a crowd of orcs might trample through our forest looking for him. Who failed who exactly? "

Thranduil would have a sword at Aragorn's throat before he knew what was coming.

Then let's move on to Lothlorien where Aragorn forces Legolas to go through his people's land with a blindfold, like he was a common run of mill dwarf no less.

And when Legolas rightly protests, he is basically told to keep his mouth shut!

He's a prince Aragorn. What are you trying to do, start a war between the Elven realms? When Thranduil hears about this Celeborn is going to be getting a very sternly worded letter.

When Gandalf shows up after his Balrog debacle all pristine and white with a dire message from Galadriel which seems to say Legolas is going to die if he keeps staying in Aragorn's company does Aragorn even care?

Does he say "No Legolas don't put yourself at risk for my sake"

Did he even bother to listen to Gandalf's message to Legolas?

I doubt it.

...Shows how much HE cares.

When Legolas saves his life with his last arrow at Helms Deep does he say "Thanks"

NO. Instead he makes Legolas miserable pointing out Gimli is off fighting on his own drowning in orcs, saying " Stop moping about it Legolas, I'm sure he will be right"

At least we know he doesn't care much for Gimli either!

Then Legolas gets the sea longing. Surely Aragorn will at least suffer some slight pangs of guilt at this. A wood-elf sundered from his forests. How could you not be filled with remorse.

To tell you the truth I don't think he even notices. Honestly he never even mentions it. Just carries on as normal.

( to be fair even Gimli isn't that bothered, Legolas tells him his sea-longing woes and Gimli just goes " oh, I didn't really notice" and carries on talking about Gimli!)

The hobbits who know nothing about elves are more worried about the sea-longing than " I was raised with the elves, I'm so in touch with them" Aragorn.

Poor Legolas. Running round sacrificing himself, staying away from his home, doing it all for the love of the Lord of the White Tree and The Lord of the White Tree can't be bothered giving him the time of day. Especially after his mates from the Grey Company show up, then it's "Legolas, who's he?"

And after all this...after months of slagging Legolas off, ignoring him, making him feel bad, well you would think Aragorn would be pleased to get rid of him. Let Legolas go back to his Dad, his people and his forest to say goodbye before he sails off to his elven nirvana.

But NO... passive aggressive Aragorn is all "don't leave me, if you loved me you wouldn't leave me"

And Legolas has to up sticks, move to Ithilien, and hang around being ignored, suffering the sea longing, waiting for Aragorn to die.

That sucks Aragorn.

Have you seen the movie Mean Girls?

You would fit right in.


	2. Elrond loses his Interesting

**Authors Note: **

So this has turned into a bit more than I anticipated and gained another chapter. If there is something else in LOTR that takes my fancy there may be even more. But it will be random.

I am open to suggestions if you like.

**Elrond Loses his Interesting**

There once was a time Elrond was the most interesting Elf in Middle Earth.

His Great Grandmother was a Maia.

His Grandmother was the most desirable Elven chick ever.

His Mother flew like a bird.

His Father was a Star. ( I mean, how cocky would that make you, " oh there goes Dad, that big bright star over there, second on the left")

He was a Great Great grandson of Fingolfin no less.

His pedigree as far as interesting goes was immaculate.

He hung with all the best people. Raised by the Feanorians. You can't possibly be raised by them and NOT be interesting.

Sidekick to Gil-Galad

Married to Galadriels daughter. No boring ordinary Elleth for Elrond.

Can you imagine having Galadriel as a mother in law? What a nightmare! She reads your mind so no muttering under your breath about her being an interfering old biddy...and you can bet she totally was interfering because Galadriel has developed messing with other people's business into an art form. Still she got him a seat on the White Council which is more than Thranduil ever got.

If all this wasn't enough he had this interesting tragedy filled life to go with it.

His brother became a man.

His mother ditched him for some flash jewellery.

His wife suffered orc torture and left him behind to go to Valinor, ( why didn't he go with her? It's not like the kids weren't well and truly out of the nest by then. I think sailing off to Valinor may well have been a convenient excuse to escape many a failing elf marriage you know. It's quite possible Thranduil used that one too...and so did Celeborn!)

Even Elrond's daughter abandoned him for the allure of mortality.

In fact next to Turin, Elrond would probably be voted person you least want to become close to. His track record for disaster happening to anyone in his vicinity almost leaves Turin for dead,( almost but not quite, I think Turin beats him by sheer number of suicides he induced.)

Still if you wanted interesting Elrond was who you went to.

But then something happened.

Something happened to change all that.

Something happened that was so boring, so tedious, so brain numbing all Elrond's Interesting shrivelled up and disappeared...

The Council.

Of Elrond.

Pages and pages of chat. Of idle talk about Middle Earth politics. On and on and on and on.

I know people, people who have read the Hobbit and loved it. People who started the Lord of the Rings with enthusiasm. People excited by the beginning. Cuddly hobbits, dramatic Black Rider chases, mysterious men called Strider, gorgeous Elves called Glorfindel, ( why oh why was Glorfindel not in the movies). Morgul blade wounds. It's all so good. They can't turn the pages fast enough.

And then they hit the Council of Elrond. And there they stop. Never to read the Lord of the Rings again. Skip it I say. The only thing you need to know is a bunch of them go off to destroy the ring, Just move to the next chapter. But they can't.

This must be here for a reason they say. This is Elrond, it must be important, there must be SOMETHING we need to know...but oh they just can't force themselves to read it, the will to live drains away and the Lord of the Rings is abandoned never to be read again.

In fact when mentioned it induces post traumatic responses ..." Oh my God, the Council of Elrond...NEVER talk to me about that book again!"

And Elrond loses his Interesting. Just like that.

Why Elrond? Why didn't you draw up an agenda and stick to it?

It all could have been so easy...


End file.
